


Your Love Is A Bet

by reclusedetective (orphan_account)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: ...ESPECIALLY thorin, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Florist Thorin, M/M, Tattoo artist Bilbo, Translation Available, including thorin, members of the company are very sweary in this fic, this is an attempt at silly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/reclusedetective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bilbo and Thorin are smitten with each other, but kill everyone else by <i>not</i> actually getting together.</p>
<p>The next best option for the greater good? </p>
<p>Bet on when they'll get together, of course. </p>
<p>Bilbo/Thorin = miserable losers in love. Everyone else = cool, super fun and overly invested audience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Love Is A Bet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brokenEisenglas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenEisenglas/gifts).



> Hello! 
> 
> I've been pretty damn ill this past month or so, and I haven't been online much. But, this ridiculous idea came to me and refused to leave (so rude, no?) and it led to 1K+ words of attempted fluff and no actual plot. Also unbetead because I just needed to post this and not think about it anymore. 
> 
> Dear brokeneisenglas, if you're reading this, HELLO, and forgive me for being such trash over my current inability to reply to emails?
> 
> Dear radiorcrist, thank you for the AMAZINGNESS that is the Needles and Roses AU. Apologies for this fic.
> 
> Edit: It has come to my attention that tosquinha is the genius mastermind behind this AU. Pardon my ignorance, I'm new to this fandom and google lied to me.
> 
> Edit: HULLO, YA'LL. The insanely awesome KuroCyou has translated this undeserving fic to the fabulous Italian language [here](http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=3053115). ISN'T THAT AMAZING?!  
> 
> 
> Dear everyone else, enjoy! :)

“Oh my _god_ , Thorin, are you blushing?” 

“Shut up.”

Thorin grabs a vase of forget-me-nots and hides out in the back room, away from Nori, and more importantly, away from humanity.

++++

Members of The Company are watching their favourite dumb idiots flirt. It’s part of their daily routine now. It’s _agonizing_. 

It consists of:

A flushed Thorin staring intently at the tattoo artist before him. Bilbo licking his lips and smiling adorably. Thorin smiling shyly in response as he draws flower designs for Bilbo. Throat-clearing on both sides. Awkward feet shuffling. Intense eye contact between the two as the world _burns_ behind them and them not giving a _fuck_.

Really. _Agonizing_. 

++++

Gloin looks at the members of The Company. It has been two and a half months since Bilbo moved in to their neighbourhood and set up shop directly opposite Erebor.

“We need to do something.”

A number of them nod in agreement while others whisper amongst themselves.

“We need to place bets,” is the intelligent conclusion.

This gets the approval of every single one of them. There may have been a loud, rousing cheer as well. 

++++ 

“Bilbo, don’t you want to ask Thorin out?” Ori enquires.

The tip of Bilbo’s ears redden incriminatingly.

“He-- _uh_ \-- we’re just friends.”

“Is _that_ what they’re calling it now?” Bofur muses from the couch.

++++

These are the rules of the bet:

Rule 1

Bets have to be more than 20 dollars.

Rule 2

Be precise. On the piece of paper previously handed out to you, state your answers clearly and the closest one (in terms of date and who makes the first move) wins.

Rule 2 (a)

Person A refers to Aggravating Leader. Person B is Badass Artist. 

Rule 3

No one mentions the existence of this bet. You will be _punished_ in the most terrifying way possible if you are the culprit who fails in your oath of secrecy. If that’s not enough of a motivating factor, keep this in mind. 

_We will look for you. We will find you. And we will kill you._

Rule 4

If nothing happens by the end of the last date betted on, Dwalin will lock the two miserable fuckers in the wine cellar.

Rule 5

No (extreme) meddling in the meantime. The wine cellar option is a _desperate_ measure. If you are caught meddling, there will be _consequences_.

Rule 6

Have fun! Submit the papers and money to Gloin asap.

++++

“Hey Bifur, have you submitted yours yet?”

Bofur watches his cousin sign back his rapid response. He grins.

++++ 

BIFUR:

Date: ??? first week of March maybe 

Whodunit: A stops being a fuckin’ coward and shags B. what a bunch of _morons_

++++

ORI:

Date: March 22nd, 2015 

Whodunit: You guys get that _whodunit_ is like, a narrative that has to do with murder and shit, right? Anyway, I say B will make the move eventually. Waiting for His Highness might take _forever_ , and B has balls, unlike someone we know. (don’t tell thorin what i said, he’ll kill me)

++++

Dis finds out about the bet.

++++

She bets.

++++

“Oh, hi Thorin.”

Thorin shuffles his feet awkwardly.

“I brought you something.”

Bilbo beams. Thorin clears his throat and concentrates on his feet.

“You didn’t have to,” Bilbo says, pleased.

“Well,” is the articulate comeback.

Thorin hands over a book to Bilbo. He manages a not-so-besotted smile at the curly haired man and mumbles a goodbye before escaping to Erebor, his flower shop.

Bilbo looks at the book in his hand.

“ _Folklore and Symbolism of Flowers, Plants, and Trees_ ” is the title staring back at him.

Bilbo brings the book close to his chest and sighs happily.

++++

“Aren’t you an expert in botany or something?” questions Ori.

“But it’s so _sweet_ that he gave me this book!”

“Sweet is not the word that I’d use.”

“It’s _lovely_ ,” Bilbo gushes.

To be fair, lovely is not the word Ori would use, either. _Madness_ , perhaps?

“Yes, lovely,” he agrees, because Bilbo is his best friend and deserves the nicest things.

++++

BOFUR:

Date: Dec 25 of this year if I pray hard enough, 2020 if it turns out that God is not real

Whodunit: _me_ , because they’re _killing_ me // b -- because a is a miserable sod who is as stubborn as a mule

++++

“You voted Christmas? That’s _ages_ away.”

“Look at them, Kili.”

Kili looks.

Thorin is arranging a variety of flowers into what will become an undoubtedly gorgeous bouquet, but every so often, his eyes wander to the direction of Bag-End and it leaves him with a soft smile on his face.

Kili sighs.

Bofur pats his shoulders comfortingly.

“They’ll get there, laddie.”

++++

Gloin compiles the final list of bets. Things are going well.

++++

Things are _not_ going well. Dis broke Rule 5 of the bet, but there is no proof and no one dares offend her, because she’s fucking _terrifying_.

++++

Bilbo frowns discontentedly at the disruption of his routine. He’s in Dori’s coffee shop, he’s ordered the usual for himself and Thorin, he’s seated at their table, but confound it all, Thorin isn’t _here_. His day officially _sucks_.

He stares harder at the chair opposite him. It remains empty.

Bilbo closes his eyes. When he hears the chair move, he opens his eyes and is about to launch into a rant--

“Hello, Bilbo.”

“Dis.”

“Thorin is sorry he can’t be here.”

“Oh.”

Her eyes are suddenly teary and Bilbo’s heart drops to the ground.

“Is he… alright?”

“Oh, Bilbo. He’s so brave about it all.”

“Dis, you’re scaring me.” Bilbo whispers.

She leans forward and squeezes Bilbo’s right hand.

“You’ve always made him so happy. I never got the chance to thank you.”

Bilbo’s eyes are wild as he processes her words. He gets up suddenly.

“Where is he?” Bilbo asks with a trembling voice.

“Home.”

Bilbo runs.

++++

Dori appears beside Dis with a disapproving frown.

“Tell no one I was here, and I’ll share 20% of the winnings with you.”

“40%.”

“25%, and that’s the highest you’ll get from me.”

“Deal.”

++++

“What the _fuck_ , Dis?” Thorin screams from the other end of the line.

“Is Bilbo there with you? Hi Bilbo!”

“I will _end_ you,” Thorin hisses violently.

“Have you deflowered him yet?”

“I will kill you and hide your body,” he promises murderously.

“That’s nice.”

“ _Fuck_ , Dis. You scared him.”

“And I’m sorry it came to that.”

“You _will_ apologize to him.”

“Of course.”

Neither of them say a word for some time.

“He wants to thank you.”

“Ah, what a sweetheart.”

“I told him to _never_ thank you because you made him _devastated_ , Dis.”

“It started as revenge against you on my part, but Thorin, he _loves_ you more than anything in the world. 

“And I do, too.” he admits.

After a moment:

“Hold on, revenge for _what_?”

“I just got the feeling that you did something horrible in your past life, like dying along with family over a damn war.”

“What the _fuck_ , Dis?”

“This conversation has come a full circle. I’ll see you soon, brother.”

++++

“March 31st. Who won?”

Gloin points at Dis. Balin nods knowledgeably.

“God is _real_ ,” Bofur shouts.

++++

Incoming text: Bilbo

Dis, there is an envelope full of cash on my table with a note saying “your winnings”. Do I want to know?

Outgoing text: Bilbo

No, you don’t.

Outgoing text: Bilbo

You really don't.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please love me? [bribes you with lemon bars and Oreo fudge cupcakes]
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom. Hope I did the characters justice. I'm working on a new Bagginshield fic atm, in which they're still losers in love, so there's that.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. Also, I wrote the bet of every single member of the Company but wasn't sure if I should post them. Most of them were variations of Dwalin's note.
> 
> Dwalin: MISERABLE FUCKERS. LOOKIN' ALL DOE-EYED AT EACH OTHER AND DOING NOTHING, IT MAKES ME SICK. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
